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Round 2 Review
Round 2 Review
Robot Reporter activated. Results processed, overreactions pending.
Round 2 delivered goals, table flips and a few early-season reality checks.
Bournemouth and Leeds draws caused damage, Newcastle winning at Spurs rewarded the brave, Chelsea’s 4-3 chaos helped plenty, and Man United’s five-goal home bonus gave the 18 home teams something extra to smile about.
In short: some teams cashed in, some teams crashed, and Gunners went from fireworks to flat battery in seven days.
Division 1
Rams charge to the top!
Derby Cockney Rams FC are the new Division 1 leaders after making it two wins from two. Six points, six goals scored and top spot secured before anyone has had time to pretend the table doesn’t matter.
Wythenshawe Warriors AFC also remain perfect after a five-goal week. Eight goals in two rounds and still second — harsh, but nobody said the spreadsheet was friendly.
Bumfun FC were the big climbers, scoring five and jumping into third. Shut the FaCup FC stay in the prize places despite defeat, helped by a healthy goals-for column.
Gunners, meanwhile, followed last week’s five-goal blast with a big fat zero. From top of the league to fifth in one round — that cannon needs reloading.
At the bottom, Stickylemon FC are stuck, Leafs over Bolts United are pointless, and Withington at least climbed off last place after scoring four.
Two rounds gone. Too early to panic? Yes. Will that stop anyone? Absolutely not.
Division 2
Beans still on toast!
Frankie & Beans stay top of Division 2 after a six-goal week. Nine goals in two rounds, plus seven goal difference and already looking dangerously comfortable.
Bayern Neverlosen move up to second and remain unbeaten, which means we are legally required to ask if this is finally their season. Answer: ask again in about ten rounds.
Murder on Zidane’s Floor recovered from opening defeat with six goals and an eight-place jump. Consider the floor well and truly wiped.
Dad’s Favourite Son also scored five and jumped into the top four, while BullsEye United finally found the target after last week’s blank.
Getthatbusout FC drop to fifth despite seven goals scored overall, which sums up Division 2 nicely: plenty of goals, no personal space.
HeyCroft03 FC slide to the bottom with one point and a minus four goal difference. Not a crisis yet, but definitely not one for the highlights reel.
Division 3
RVA top, Palmer hot!
RVA FC lead Division 3 after two wins from two and eight goals scored. Calm, clinical and probably already being accused of luck by everyone below them.
Get what you DeZerb climb into second with four points from two games. This is exactly the sort of start they probably DeZerb.
Cold Palmer went from opening-week defeat to seven-goal furnace. Cold? Not this week. Palmer? Absolutely boiling.
Crystal Phallus also hit seven and flew into the prize places with a correct score prediction thrown in. From pointless to fourth in one week — very BHPL.
Leeds the League drop from first to fifth after scoring just one. The name was accurate for a week, which is probably longer than expected.
Pucks and Poppadoms United remain bottom, pointless and minus seven. Tough start, but at least the name still sounds delicious.
Hasina Championship
Hasina Championship: RVA take control!
RVA FC move top of the Hasina Championship on 63.6%, just ahead of Wythenshawe Warriors AFC on the same return.
Cold Palmer jump eleven places into third after five correct predictions and a correct score, while Crystal Phallus make the biggest leap, flying up twenty-four places after the same five-goal haul.
Frankie & Beans and Murder on Zidane’s Floor are also in the early prize conversation. Gunners drop hard after scoring zero, proving that one quiet week can empty the bandwagon very quickly.
Two rounds down, forty-two Hasina rounds still to go. So obviously, everyone should stay calm, ignore the table and definitely not check it again before bedtime.
Robot Reporter log complete. Humans may now overreact.
Round 1 Review
Round 1 Review
New season, new divisions, same old chaos.
Thirty-six teams set off on the long road to glory, cash, bragging rights and, for some, the desperate hope of not being mentioned in the wooden spoon paragraph by October.
Division 1
Gunners fire first warning shot!
Gunners clearly didn’t spend the summer relaxing, as they opened the Winter Season by absolutely blasting Withington 5-1.
One game in and Wayne’s side are already top of Division 1, top of the Hasina Championship and probably checking whether the trophy can be delivered by next weekend.
Shut the FaCup FC also made a tidy start, beating Danchester City 2-0 in what already sounds like the sort of fixture that could matter later in the season. The reigning Spring big hitters are straight into the top four and looking annoyingly comfortable again.
Wythenshawe Warriors AFC had the other statement win, going away to Leafs over Bolts United and leaving with a 3-1 victory. Leafs may have over-bolted the door, but the Warriors still kicked it in.
Derby Cockney Rams FC edged a five-goal scrap against Stickylemon FC, and were the first team to claim a win with a bonus goal, while AFC Dave squeezed past Ancoat Lionesses 1-0. Not glamorous, but three points are three points, and nobody remembers the pretty football when the prize money is handed out.
At the bottom, Withington take the first unwanted seat on the Division 1 trapdoor after the 5-1 defeat, with Danchester City, Leafs over Bolts United and Ancoat Lionesses also starting the season in the danger zone.
One round gone. Panic stations? Absolutely not. Will we pretend it matters already? Obviously.
Division 2
Beans means business!
Frankie & Beans served up the strongest start in Division 2 with a 3-0 win over BullsEye United.
That sends BullsEye straight to the bottom, which is not ideal when your name suggests accuracy and you’ve missed the target completely in week one.
Getthatbusout FC also got moving quickly, seeing off Murder on Zidane’s Floor 4-2. Four goals, three points, second in the table and no apparent need to validate anyone’s travel arrangements.
Flipping Del began life in Division 2 with a 2-1 win over Grater Than You FC, which feels like a useful early reminder that last season’s struggles may not have followed them down the stairs.
Bayern Neverlosen did what Bayern Neverlosen do best: win early and make everyone wonder whether this is finally the season they keep doing it. A 1-0 win over Dad’s Favourite Son puts them in the top four, although after one round that basically means they have successfully turned up.
Goodwin Wanderers and Texas Tumbleweeds shared a 2-2 draw, while Samchester United and HeyCroft03 FC also finished level at 1-1.
So after Round 1, Division 2 already has a familiar look: a few early leaders, a big middle pile-up, and several teams claiming they are “just easing into the season” despite secretly checking the table every 14 minutes.
Division 3
Leeds actually lead the league!
Stop the presses, alert the committee, and check the spreadsheet twice: Leeds the League are top of Division 3.
A 3-1 win over Cold Palmer gives Rob’s side the perfect start and, more importantly, allows them to use the league name accurately for at least one glorious week.
RVA FC matched them on points and goal difference with a 3-1 win over xGon Give it to Ya. Unfortunately for Tom’s side, xGon did indeed give it to someone — just not themselves.
FREE FC, TNNKA FC and Vini Vidi Vici all opened with 1-0 wins, proving that Division 3 may already be the home of tight margins, nervous afternoons and managers pretending they were “always in control”.
Claret and Booze drew 1-1 with Get what you DeZerb, which feels like exactly the kind of fixture that should have taken place in a pub car park.
At the bottom, Cold Palmer and xGon Give it to Ya are the early occupants of the basement, but with 21 rounds left, there is plenty of time to climb, collapse, recover, collapse again and blame VAR.
Hasina Championship
Gunners hit the target early!
Gunners start the Hasina Championship on top after getting 4 from 6 correct, which is a dangerously competent opening week.
RVA FC and Wythenshawe Warriors AFC are close behind on 60%, while Getthatbusout FC and Leeds the League also hit 50% to take early prize positions.
At the other end, six teams failed to trouble the scorers at all. It’s only Round 1, so nobody should panic yet — but if you predicted six matches and got none right, the coin-toss strategy is already being reviewed by the board.
One week down, forty-three to go. The tables are meaningless, the overreactions are compulsory, and the BHPL season is officially underway.